Hey, Isis. It’s your brother.
I feel a little out of practice writing this out for a number of reasons. One being, well…I spent all year wondering if this year was gonna go well enough that my year-end summation piece wouldn’t just be an amalgam of depressing updates. Every year, I wonder what the next step each day will bring, and if I’m on the right track. Doubt tends to set in at times – something I’ve learned as a result of many a good thing in my life coming to a screeching halt, making it unavoidable to have to curve any relaxed feelings of comfort and safety. I think that’s what’s also affecting my blood pressure these days…
More on that later.
Anyway, it’s your birthday today. Mom was emotional this morning when I reminded her. She mourns you still, everyday. Sharing your image in her stories, talking about you with dad from time to time, with me… This morning was especially rough. It was bad. It’s been thirty-two months since you left us, and it’s a moment that definitely took a lot out of us that day. Amid the hustle and bustle of daily life we’ve slowed down just a little more, just to try and fucking breathe. It didn’t help that on the day of your passing we couldn’t even afford to close the store we needed the money that bad. Working everyday of our lives, literally, with no vacations and nothing to show for it, and just doing what we can to survive… it’s not really wrong to ask how that even equates to just “living”. The concept of it.
Thankfully, at least before the events of last August, I was able to find some reprieve in meeting up with folks I write about on this website, getting to hang with them, building better acquaintances and even a few friendships. I’ve taken on the mantra of what it means to invest in people. The importance of it. The lessons you learn along the way, and what to take with you as further investments continue. Suffice it to say, I’ve benefitted amply enough that I’m not completely dissuaded from the choice I made back in September 2012 to take this path. That’s not to say I don’t have some regrets… I do. Ultimately, that came down to truly learning what I needed to from some of my…well… lesser-worthwhile investments in people – the importance of setting boundaries, for one. Not suffering fools, being honest with who you are and where you stand, especially when it comes to other people, and the significance of moving on when others place you anywhere from dead-last to nowhere at all in their circle of mutuals.
That kind of shit used to make me feel lonely, always wondering where I would stand in this world without friends or even someone to love. I made a big deal about that shit growing up. Looking back now, seeing the insignificance of it as a younger, lesser-wiser individual, it’s…a little funny.
I hated that our parents were so strict with us. To that extent, I understood the “why” of it. Getting older with a touch of introspection once in a while, you learn to appreciate what it means to not chase chaos, bad as it is that most times in life, chaos chases you. That there are people in life rooting for you to fail, to falter all your hard work and efforts to achieve and be greater with each day, to spit in your face and deny you (directly or otherwise) any help you need if you so much as swallow your pride enough to ask…
Hm… yeah. Not all investments will turn a profit. That much you can bet on. Regardless, the cruciality of endurance is what remains the driving force, for the most part. I may not make a living doing this, and surely enough, a some of the people I’ve idolized over the years have turned out to be far less appealing than preferred. Especially this week. That one of the best and most lauded action stars of today turns out to be a conspiracy-imbued fanboy of apartheid profiteers who waste billions, accused sex traffickers, peddlers of the “great replacement” theory, and fascistic ex-governmental officials who take their cues from “Mein Kampf” is not an easy pill to swallow. But, that’s the truth of it. And it’s certainly something I’ll have to mitigate going into 2024 as I continue this mission of mine, especially since it’s really one of the only few fun things left in my life.
I’ll say this though – what also keeps me going is the man I’ve become today, the aftereffect of an upbringing that’s taken quite a few notes from the sister I grew up with over the years. I miss how close we were as kids, and regret that we slowly drifted apart from one another by the time you went to high school. It bothered me that our personalities clashed just a little more over time to the point where we became oil and water. Gosh. Still, none of that outweighs the importance of who you were to me in the background of all that noise. You were the most astute individual anyone ever met. The hardest working. You hit books harder than anyone. You excelled more than most and flew higher than virtually anyone dared to. People loved you, which said more than anything about any amount of the haters who envied you. You stood for something. You had ideals. You were better, smarter, stronger. All qualities I admired as I got older and mindful of the things that mattered to me. Politically, philosophically, and socially.
All of these are things I continue to try and exude in the course of my life (albeit minus the PhD.), while pursuant of the care and love of my family, who continue to be there for me, even (and especially) dad who, despite not yet being fully mobile, is still improving with each day. Still calling the shots. Still addicted to the news and making a fuss during football season. Mom is still coping with so many of her physical issues as of late, so it’s been crucial to be there for her as much and as often as I can be. Most nights we stay up together and watch some movies, or TV. From time to time Mom reflects on her upbringing, her brother who she hadn’t seen or heard from in decades, my grandmother and her reaction to me when she met me as a newborn – she started calling me her “bubele”. I didn’t know that until a few months ago.
Agreeably, it’s great that the news isn’t all bad, although honestly it’d be even better if the news wasn’t always a rehashing of how worse things “could’ve been” or “could be”. There’s still room for improvement, and the struggle to keep going can be waning.
Alas, here I am. Still going. Still a pain in someone’s ass. And, I don’t necessarily have any plans on quitting. Knowing this is far from an option for me is what keeps me steady, and for what it’s worth, resolute. Obviously that means paying just a little more attention to my health along the way, thanks in large part to the car that pinned me into the wall and nearly killed me more than twenty years ago. Shit… the pain. I didn’t know what happened. All I knew was I was in so much fucking pain. I screamed like I never screamed in my life. That I was concious the whole way… the horror of it… I saw you and mom running to me amid the crowd of people. You were there. Dad couldn’t see me until maybe a day or so later.
….
Man, it’s lousy having to go through something like that. But, I had my family. No one else. And at the end of the day, with all the friends we make along the way, and the people with whom our life lessons come, your health, your family – or the one you make – are all that matter. To learn what it means to love yourself, to own who you are and be self-aware, to do better, to be kind and to hold to account those who aren’t kind to you, and most importantly, to do your best and take care of the people you love and who love YOU…
…I’m trying. It’s not easy without you here, but…in the process of my own growth and learning, I do what I can, and I am who I am. It’s all I got, and this world – the people I reach out to…the people for whom my intentions are good – can either accept it, or not. I know why I’m here. And today is… well… a reminder of that.
From yours truly, and all those who you left behind and carry on your memory, Happy Birthday, Isis. We love you, and we really, really miss you.
Sincerely, your baby brother,
Bahir
Lead photo (pinned to my Instagram), video (pinned to my Twitter) courtesy of Jesse Garcia.
